But I Love Him!

But I Love Him

Excuses People Make to Stay in Abusive Relationships

” … but I love him!” protests the woman whose husband has been knocking her around for the past three years  …

“… but I love him!” wails the wife whose philandering spouse continues to profess his innocence, despite her proof to the contrary …

“… but I still love him”  bemoans she whose hubby controls her every move — her decisions, her friendships,  their finances — and even their sex life …

“…  I love him, but sometimes he’s mean to me” laments the lady whose paramour has perfected the art of criticizing, condemning and complaining about her every move – whether alone or in company …

“…  but I love him!”   whines the woman whose partner mooches off her, changing jobs like he changes his underpants …

And the list goes on …

Helloooo?!!  Wake up, ladies!!  (and gentlemen who see themselves in any one of these scenarios).  You love him?  Excuse me?  You call that love??

I’m tired of hearing people using   “… but I love him!”   as an excuse to avoid growing up.

But I Love Him

“This isn’t love. It’s something broken and ugly.I wanted it so badly I didn’t care what it looks like” – Amanda  Grace

The   “… but I love him!” syndrome has nothing to do with love.  Rather,  It is an expression of insecurity, fear, self-doubt and need.  The capacity for mature love emanates from one’s own inner security,   and the concomitant expectation that respectful treatment is a given …   that anything less is unacceptable.

 but I love him

And by the way –  staying together  “ for the sake of the children”  is as much a cop-out as is the   “… but I love him” excuse.   How healthy is it for children to watch one parent repeatedly mistreat another? You think they don’t know?  Of course they do!   And what do you suppose they’re learning from you?

It’s time to start facing up to reality before it’s too late.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning asks – “How do I love thee?”   Well, Lizzie – here’s my take on the deal:

  • I love a man who treats me (and others) with respect and kindness   …
  • I love a man who accepts me with all my imperfections. …  a  man who loves me because of who I am, not in spite of who I am …
  • I love a man with whom I can be myself and still feel loved …
  • I  love a man who is trustworthy …
  • I love a man who aspires to resolve conflict  …
  • I love a man who shows tenderness and affection … a man who holds me — no questions asked — when I’m feeling vulnerable — and then quietly waits for me to talk …
  • I love a man who values the emotional connectedness that comes with lovemaking, and views sexual activity as a mutual, not unilateral decision …
  • I love a man in whose presence I can blossom and grow – safely

No self-respecting woman will put up with abuse or affairs;   nor will she allow herself to be controlled or demeaned.   The “… but I love him!” phenomenon is based on the deeply-held belief that you don’t deserve better … that you’re lucky to have a husband at all. You’re afraid to be alone … you’re afraid of what the world will think. At the root of these fears lies an excruciating reservoir of low self-esteem … feelings of extreme worthlessness and shame.

So – if this is you – screech to a halt and admit the truth — because only then can you face your real fears and begin the journey towards becoming a secure and self-respecting human being.   Get yourself off to a therapist so that you can begin to figure out where on earth you learned that it’s OK to be treated like a doormat – and where you can learn how to change your beliefs about yourself.  Because therein lies the path to autonomy and positive self-regard.

Perhaps Aretha Franklin knew it when she recorded the song “R-E-S-P-E-C-T ?”

 

(See About Adele Gould and Life After Divorce


 but I love him

 

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.